The First Park Acoustics of 2017:
Sunday 5 February 2017 proved to be quite the day. Alongside my fellow Milled(ians), Brett Magill and Nicci Jones, we set our early bearing north towards the Voortrekker Monument in P-Town for what turned out to be an absolutely awesome day filled with; music, friends, beer, pulled pork sandwiches and cheese grillers (also known as Park Acoustics). It was awesome and I’m sure you will get to read all about it.
This story however, is about what happened after the fact… (please assume the brace position).
After Park Acoustics:
After a brief stop over for a quick charge and cider, I headed out towards McD’s to meet up with a few mates. Turns out I happened to visit the wrong restaurant. “Not to worry…” I thought. “I’ll just head home as it’s only about 13km’s… OH LOOK!… Chinese food!”
I tapped on the google map machine and somehow this wonderous app knew where I wanted to go, so I followed. As it turns out, when your phone drums up a notification mentioning that you have “10% battery life”, it IS a good idea to opt for the power saving mode. This was a lesson previously ignored but surely learned this time around.
VIKINGS and WWII air traffic controllers.
What would be known as the single scariest sound of recent memory, echoed in my head stating: ” In 3,5 kilometers keep….”
Apparently screaming at the google map machine and/or Siri has no effect when you have no battery life. Now, as any red blooded man fueled by a few beers, a craving for Chicken Chow Mein and Sweet and Sour Pork would do… I relied on a finely tuned “inner” GPS system known only to VIKINGS and WWII air traffic controllers.
Naturally, I got lost, Downtown Jozi turned into the Bermuda Triangle. As I took yet another wrong turn, I saw what would be a glimmer of hope at the time.
In retrospect, this was probably the single most stupid decision, but alas… JMPD was settled next to the road conducting breath tests and car searches. Of course This was unbeknownst to me as I decided to pull over and ask for directions.
“Excuse me Mister Officer sir!” A slender figure sporting a magnificent orange bib emerged from the night and walked right up to me. The dialogue went something like this:
Me: “I am so lost…I really need to get home. Can you please direct me towards Houghton side?”
Mr. Officer Orange: “Sho… but before I do, can I breathalyze you?”
Me: (before thinking) “Yeah sure! Not sure why you would want to do that, but go ahead.”
(Dredd fell over me and at this point I could feel my car seat tearing as my bum started eating away at it as if it was a free buffet breakfast at a Gordon Ramsey restaurant.)
I did the only thing I could think of and lit a cigarette and blurted out a single line that could only be described as one of those round candies with the hole in the middle…
Me: “I just got into town from Bloem (yay for the FS number plates) and my phone died. I have NO idea where I am. Please would you direct me…”
This seemed to stun the orange bib and he murmured something along the lines of: “turning left at the traffic light ahead”. I thanked profusely and set off into the night.
Following said “left turn” directions I sped through Yeoville and took an off ramp. As luck would have it, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. “N1 – Sandton/Pretoria”.
In a fantastic sigh of relief after about an hour of living in a perpetual state of alluring doom, I sort of knew where I was.
Out of nowhere, yet another orange bib waved at me. Probably wanting me to pull over… so I did the only thing I could think of.
I waved back.
I finally got home and settled down for what would be a triumphant meal. A celebration of my ascension from the darkness. Let it be known… It was a great meal indeed and it is also the reason why I am telling you this story at 03:40 am. Just like the US went from WWII directly into the COLD WAR, I traded the maze of Jozi’s night time road terror for a fight that cannot be won.
One irrefutable fact remains. Having a car charger is not a luxury. It is a DAMN necessity.